Letters from my lover (Week 2)

Not sure if you have really decided to burn the bridge altogether.

But I want to assure you that I am no longer committed to you or trying to get your commitment in any way.

I am explaining why it makes sense now.
I think it’s crazy to still tell you what I’m about to tell you. Partly because you’ve told me some of your story. Partly because I want to remember and tell you where I’ve been, so I remind myself that I don’t want to go back.

You’ve told me where you’ve been: your family, your past relationship, etc.
I love you for where you’ve been, things that you did not do, not for what you’ve done or what you have.
I thought it would be so easy to love you, coz I felt I’ve known you a long time from a distant past.
Your story sounds so familiar to me. So I gave it everything.

Where I’ve been will explain why I’m not interested in you who have chosen your pride over me. Stories I’ve never told you:
I’ve been through this all my life. Pride that rules the heart of a man is a same, old story: my old man.

Perhaps I am too much like her. We believe in hardwork, endurance, and commitment.
I knocked on your door you slammed shut, simply thinking I was committed.
Even when you said you were leaving.

In the end, I decided to leave you because I don’t want to go back. I may have waited. 26 years, maybe.

I was knocking. I was sleepless. I was hurting.
I wanted to wait and see.
She has always had faith in people. “Whatever he’s like, he’s your old man.”
Maybe I do have faith in people. I did and I do.

Young men like us choose pride. Just because of our youth that makes us seem so powerful.
It may be a defense mechanism for people like us, who have come a long way with intense, constant fight.
But eventually it will be given up. When we lose our job. When our wife and kids leave us behind. When we are on our deathbed.
I am not sure if I fully reject pride. But I’ve endured it. I grew up wanting to be the opposite of pride.

I am not looking for pity or sympathy. I am only looking for life lessons and ultimately love.
I don’t want to burn bridges because I believe I have to build them, although I have to swallow my pride deep.
There was not one bridge in my childhood, in my early adulthood.
I may be tired of building but I refuse to stop.

Someone can only make you feel inferior if you approve of it, a Roosevelt used to say and believe in.
I choose to see the best of you. Coz I love your life journey. Someone like me falls in love with orphans, the underprivileged, fighters, heroes because I see myself in them, abandoned by the happy-go-lucky world.
That’s all it took for me to fight for you. It was and will be so painfully easy.

I guess I didn’t know any better. Or I actually know better. Not really sure.
Not sure if I can consistently thank you for not burning this bridge.

I don’t know what we each will have in the end. But we’ve said goodbye.
Even though I wish you had heard my story that may make you feel that we will fill each other's void.
Even though I wish you knew me better.
Even though I thought we would understand each other so easily.
Not like them who constantly seek anything fun and platonic. Anything that has no meaning.

You’ve build such some walls from brick of pride. They’re getting higher now. High enough that you refuse to see many things, including the good in yourself and others. The bad is so much easier to see.
I’m stepping back now. Now and again.

I don't really know why my mom did not leave. But I now know why she stayed.

I am better.
I will be here sitting in the shade of an orange tree in the middle of a field.
You may wander around enjoying the withering dandellions out there with pride weighing you down.
When you decide to lay that burden down, come by, kiss me on the forehead, and we'll have a good conversation.
Let's laugh about the pieces we left behind.

Wish you well ...

Letters from my lover (Week 1)

... you’ve made a difference by spending a few minutes talking to me that day when I was in the parking lot. Although I was initially vengeful about it, now I have come to terms with my own demon that I am leading the way.

I admit that I was greedy of the good thing that you offered. I was so focused on what I did not have and not even looked around me to be thankful and caring for what I already had: my job, my dog, my apartment, my car, my friends, my plans, etc. I’ve forgotten about all the adventures that I had been planning all my life and was too focused on the mundane life I am living that's obviously killed that adventurous boy in me ang brought up void. I give that all up now and trade it in for facing life head-on.

I've gained control.
I sleep very well now. A little much to make up for losses.
I am more flexible and intentional with my time.
I have learnt how to fall in love with music and books again.
I smile at a bumper sticker, a Charlie Brown children book and animal pictures.
I got me a DVD/CD player so I can play my music all day long and possibly get Netflix to be a movie freak again.
I learned how to operate DVR, recording House and Grey's Anatomy. I cried.
I have decided to delay the test date for my LSAT to get a good balance.

I am no longer compulsive.
I cook pasta again.
I am starting to read books and watch some tennis & college football.

I am getting better. Though I've failed. Sorry.


Wish you well ...

Canyon

The fog has faded. I see a canyon. A grand canyon. A huge void above which I have been stacked bricks. Building a bridge to the other side. I am standing on the edge. Fear of falling away.