... you’ve made a difference by spending a few minutes talking to me that day when I was in the parking lot. Although I was initially vengeful about it, now I have come to terms with my own demon that I am leading the way.
I admit that I was greedy of the good thing that you offered. I was so focused on what I did not have and not even looked around me to be thankful and caring for what I already had: my job, my dog, my apartment, my car, my friends, my plans, etc. I’ve forgotten about all the adventures that I had been planning all my life and was too focused on the mundane life I am living that's obviously killed that adventurous boy in me ang brought up void. I give that all up now and trade it in for facing life head-on.
I've gained control.
I sleep very well now. A little much to make up for losses.
I am more flexible and intentional with my time.
I have learnt how to fall in love with music and books again.
I smile at a bumper sticker, a Charlie Brown children book and animal pictures.
I got me a DVD/CD player so I can play my music all day long and possibly get Netflix to be a movie freak again.
I learned how to operate DVR, recording House and Grey's Anatomy. I cried.
I have decided to delay the test date for my LSAT to get a good balance.
I am no longer compulsive.
I cook pasta again.
I am starting to read books and watch some tennis & college football.
I am getting better. Though I've failed. Sorry.
Wish you well ...
Friday, October 1, 2010
Canyon
The fog has faded. I see a canyon. A grand canyon. A huge void above which I have been stacked bricks. Building a bridge to the other side. I am standing on the edge. Fear of falling away.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Grievance
O Lord yours sincerely weary and burdened
What’s done to thyself has shot dead all those who tried
A fortress one has built, brick by brick laid molten
Burning bridges with spite and numbness
O Lord, so weary and burdened
Them, them, all around them
So cheap and disillusioned, as myself
Bought by Mammon,
Hypnotized to fall unconsciously
Just so this weeping rhymes
O Lord, so weary and burdened
What is there to see to know that You are near?
Them, who say they embrace have left the Word in hostage
Them, who say they are saved have lost to the greatest foe,
Them
Your heavy yoke whispers obsolete
The seeds eaten by birds of prey
Your heavy yoke suggests fear
Principles sold for platonic love and decaying loneliness
Your heavy yoke argues boldness
The bold settles for nice words, unbearable
He says, discernment
She says, hold on to the Word
He says, God is God
She says, fear of the Lord is knowledge
This shall pass
All this deceit when one says “I shall”
Because she sees beauty in death
I need this and that, want this and that
Because he sees eternity in sorrow
I have this, and nothing else
O Lord I pray for ignorance
I request blindness
For at least in them I see you alone
O Lord I pray that them
Them see the reflection of rotting
Rotting in self-absorption, riches, security and damnation
O Lord I pray for changes
For stagnancy leaves me lonely
O so weary and burned
And this too shall pass
What’s done to thyself has shot dead all those who tried
A fortress one has built, brick by brick laid molten
Burning bridges with spite and numbness
O Lord, so weary and burdened
Them, them, all around them
So cheap and disillusioned, as myself
Bought by Mammon,
Hypnotized to fall unconsciously
Just so this weeping rhymes
O Lord, so weary and burdened
What is there to see to know that You are near?
Them, who say they embrace have left the Word in hostage
Them, who say they are saved have lost to the greatest foe,
Them
Your heavy yoke whispers obsolete
The seeds eaten by birds of prey
Your heavy yoke suggests fear
Principles sold for platonic love and decaying loneliness
Your heavy yoke argues boldness
The bold settles for nice words, unbearable
He says, discernment
She says, hold on to the Word
He says, God is God
She says, fear of the Lord is knowledge
This shall pass
All this deceit when one says “I shall”
Because she sees beauty in death
I need this and that, want this and that
Because he sees eternity in sorrow
I have this, and nothing else
O Lord I pray for ignorance
I request blindness
For at least in them I see you alone
O Lord I pray that them
Them see the reflection of rotting
Rotting in self-absorption, riches, security and damnation
O Lord I pray for changes
For stagnancy leaves me lonely
O so weary and burned
And this too shall pass
Monday, May 24, 2010
THE BOXER
Eyes met. Shook a hand. Talked so fluently.
We smiled to ourselves. I to myself.
Round and about I wondered.
Prepared for what was to come. A beautiful thing of two.
Some say it is reality, the only.
The daylight was offering.
As he was offering.
Slight warmth and distant closeness.
He was listening. Looking into the eyes, asking questions unanswered.
I was listening. Watching the lips mumble his interest.
A little bit of who he was and is.
Round and about I wondered.
Braced for more of such beauty.
Reality I longed for.
The dusk was waving goodbye.
And there was a thought of fear and uncertainty.
Maybe all this was nothing, he was convinced.
He weighed the verdict, options that he decided to relinquish.
Too much certainty and security in hand. Why let go?
Goodbye and good luck.
Climbing down the height of slumber.
Sighted him with his choice.
Long black hair waving. Gazing at me, flirting with victory.
Goodbye.
With this, I have what they have.
I see what they see.
Tell me again that I need completeness.
A home, family, bloodline.
Goodbye and good life.
I wish you well with your bravery to abandon.
Leave that empty desire of a temporary.
Kiss that danger farewell for you made sure ahead.
Yes I wish you provide that irony.
Wish you were there to protect and console.
Wish that we both wish.
But goodbye for now.
We smiled to ourselves. I to myself.
Round and about I wondered.
Prepared for what was to come. A beautiful thing of two.
Some say it is reality, the only.
The daylight was offering.
As he was offering.
Slight warmth and distant closeness.
He was listening. Looking into the eyes, asking questions unanswered.
I was listening. Watching the lips mumble his interest.
A little bit of who he was and is.
Round and about I wondered.
Braced for more of such beauty.
Reality I longed for.
The dusk was waving goodbye.
And there was a thought of fear and uncertainty.
Maybe all this was nothing, he was convinced.
He weighed the verdict, options that he decided to relinquish.
Too much certainty and security in hand. Why let go?
Goodbye and good luck.
Climbing down the height of slumber.
Sighted him with his choice.
Long black hair waving. Gazing at me, flirting with victory.
Goodbye.
With this, I have what they have.
I see what they see.
Tell me again that I need completeness.
A home, family, bloodline.
Goodbye and good life.
I wish you well with your bravery to abandon.
Leave that empty desire of a temporary.
Kiss that danger farewell for you made sure ahead.
Yes I wish you provide that irony.
Wish you were there to protect and console.
Wish that we both wish.
But goodbye for now.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sweet Child O’ Mine
Sweet child, whispered. I welcomed you into this world with pain and anger. How did I? My womb was a machine feeding this monster they called marriage. Where was he when I needed him? When I pained? But there you were, sweet boy. I did not remember how you grew up, never did. I fed you. I held you in my hands. I might have given you a few haircuts, held your right hand when you were learning to write. Or, did I? I know I have disciplined you. I wanted you to learn how tough this world was, and how it made me. I wanted you to know the pain I felt, whispered. I have supported you. I showed you hard work. I hit you so your body would obey and last, whispered, so you became better. Better than them I never met. I yelled so you could hear better. My love was harsh on you, sweet child. There was no need to practice such. You had enough. I needed time, my own space, and healing that never came. Now that you’ve suddenly grown up so perfectly, the way I wanted it, I am proud. I am sorry I did not hit you harder, scold you harsher. Now that you are afar, o’ mine.
Sweet child, understood. I made you. She and I did. Darn, I remember that day you were born. Where was I, again? Surely I was busy. But there you were, sweet boy. I trained you, as I recall. I let you see for yourself what you needed to learn. I listened and stared at you. Your nightly howl at the door I allowed, until your sister was done indulging. I kept you on my watch. Your brother shall toughen you up where he could strike you. You just had to remain silent and give way. I allowed them to steal what you had. I left you in darkness so you studied your mistakes. Yes, I did not know. Now look at you, sweet child. Like your mother, I am proud. I trained you like no other father, understood. What you have learnt must have come from my bottomless well of wisdom. You are a man, see. I am sorry I did not scare you more, threaten you even more. Enjoy it as I do, now that you are a man, o’ mine.
O’ mine, and so I have finally examined. Children of mine, I will love you. The bloody love I bought for free I will pour on you. Before you know how far we all have fallen, I will teach you why. Before you lose it, I will show you the way. I will kiss you just to let you know. I will hold you close, under the sun and the rain. You can ask me questions as you may think I know the answers to everything. You can tell me anything you cannot tell anybody else. I will teach you how to run unlike a boy, my champion. I will guide you with your stories, my princess. I will count each day like it is the last so you know you have me. I will protect you in this battlefield so you can make it through.
Shame on me if I strike you. Pity on me if I neglect you. Stupid of me if I don’t listen to you. Remind this old man, when you need him.
O’ mine, until the end. Children of mine, go away with my wisdom. Tell them of my weaknesses. Tell them enough that you may learn not to. Write down what I have done for you because you may keep it between us. Protect those secrets you have with your own. Sweet children o’ mine, truly I have loved you.
Sweet child, understood. I made you. She and I did. Darn, I remember that day you were born. Where was I, again? Surely I was busy. But there you were, sweet boy. I trained you, as I recall. I let you see for yourself what you needed to learn. I listened and stared at you. Your nightly howl at the door I allowed, until your sister was done indulging. I kept you on my watch. Your brother shall toughen you up where he could strike you. You just had to remain silent and give way. I allowed them to steal what you had. I left you in darkness so you studied your mistakes. Yes, I did not know. Now look at you, sweet child. Like your mother, I am proud. I trained you like no other father, understood. What you have learnt must have come from my bottomless well of wisdom. You are a man, see. I am sorry I did not scare you more, threaten you even more. Enjoy it as I do, now that you are a man, o’ mine.
O’ mine, and so I have finally examined. Children of mine, I will love you. The bloody love I bought for free I will pour on you. Before you know how far we all have fallen, I will teach you why. Before you lose it, I will show you the way. I will kiss you just to let you know. I will hold you close, under the sun and the rain. You can ask me questions as you may think I know the answers to everything. You can tell me anything you cannot tell anybody else. I will teach you how to run unlike a boy, my champion. I will guide you with your stories, my princess. I will count each day like it is the last so you know you have me. I will protect you in this battlefield so you can make it through.
Shame on me if I strike you. Pity on me if I neglect you. Stupid of me if I don’t listen to you. Remind this old man, when you need him.
O’ mine, until the end. Children of mine, go away with my wisdom. Tell them of my weaknesses. Tell them enough that you may learn not to. Write down what I have done for you because you may keep it between us. Protect those secrets you have with your own. Sweet children o’ mine, truly I have loved you.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
In
I was at his bed side, impatiently waiting for a word from the man.
I was at his bed side. He said, “Proud.”
My lungs welled up. The second stagnated, ransomed for a miraculous healing moment.
The split second. He took my right hand and kissed it.
I was oblivious of response. The second lengthened. When I decided to lean forward to kiss his forehead where his pristine water sourced.
The minutes froze in a crowded silence.
I got on to the four wheels without looking back. If I ever see him again, I would.
And the weir broke.
Two years flowing purely that he is in me. His blood is. His wisdom is. His features are.
Like him, I will still be.
I was at his bed side. He said, “Proud.”
My lungs welled up. The second stagnated, ransomed for a miraculous healing moment.
The split second. He took my right hand and kissed it.
I was oblivious of response. The second lengthened. When I decided to lean forward to kiss his forehead where his pristine water sourced.
The minutes froze in a crowded silence.
I got on to the four wheels without looking back. If I ever see him again, I would.
And the weir broke.
Two years flowing purely that he is in me. His blood is. His wisdom is. His features are.
Like him, I will still be.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Crash
Red, white, blue
Raging colors against liberated canvas
Reddish apathy
Aroused with anger
Explosion of painted bullets
Misty rendition
Collective narcissism
Colliding pridefully, irresponsibly
Lost in apathetic interests
Oceanic boundaries
Argh …. slipping self-righteousness
Under the sleeves of a uniform
Help me from the fiery clash
Because you need to pull me out!
Out of pity, I say!
Out of compassion and solidarity
Read me, I am speaking, not my skin
Listen to me, I am writing, not my letters
Hold me, I am demanding, not my mother tounge
Respect me, I am lonely, not my traits
Hey
Give up patronizing
Hey
Save the blame
Hey
Beyond the painting is raging colors
Hey
We’re the same, anyway!
Raging colors against liberated canvas
Reddish apathy
Aroused with anger
Explosion of painted bullets
Misty rendition
Collective narcissism
Colliding pridefully, irresponsibly
Lost in apathetic interests
Oceanic boundaries
Argh …. slipping self-righteousness
Under the sleeves of a uniform
Help me from the fiery clash
Because you need to pull me out!
Out of pity, I say!
Out of compassion and solidarity
Read me, I am speaking, not my skin
Listen to me, I am writing, not my letters
Hold me, I am demanding, not my mother tounge
Respect me, I am lonely, not my traits
Hey
Give up patronizing
Hey
Save the blame
Hey
Beyond the painting is raging colors
Hey
We’re the same, anyway!
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