Dear God

Oh God how I have lost sight of your love and care
I tried so persistently to love and care for myself
Lavish myself with self-love and indulgence in pride

Oh God how I hurt the person I loved most
I demanded him to be everything I needed
I put so much pressure on his shoulders to please me

Oh God how I need to heal
I need to see your love and care that is around me, always has been
Caress me with your wisdom and warm voice

Oh God I shall find love again

Dear W

Today is the first day that we are no longer we, attending service at All Souls.
It hurt me that I have sinned for not being humble and an equal to my partner who support him with unconditional love. It is clear that I have been ungrateful about the gift that God has given me, such big gift of love and compassion from you. I am repenting and wanting you to come back. Though, I know it is selfish. Therefore, I will let you find your true love.

It has indeed been a struggle but it was all worthwhile. Sharing my life and home with you would be unforgettable. You are my one true love. I will find another love that may or may not break my heart again. But for now, I will be waiting for you for a while because I want to learn how to desire something that is worth fighting for and not for games or experimentation and not taken for granted. I will also learn to respect myself and be OK with being alone and cherishing our love.

I just hope that you would not fear running with me even though I will not be around all year. But you know what you want and need, and I truly respect that, although with sadness and regrets.

I could have been stronger if I was listening to your guidance. I wanted to guide you too, to know more about my culture, my love for the world, and my flaws. But I was so busy running my own life and neglecting you and Gale, two loves that I had at home.

Now that you are gone, I wish you well. And church will never be the same with you holding my hand as we pray. Church would be more reflective for me as I will converse with God alone. Till I find my match who will walk with me in the Lord. Amen.

An original poem for you...

hand in hand we run

full speed toward the rolling hills that are

dawn dabbles its quiet light on the horizon

lightening the path

unraveling mysteries

only to be understood as the sun stands its noontime post.

your hand tightens as the world

blooms before us and extends her hand in invitation.

nature's warmth enlivens your face --

your face enlivens mine

your beauty is unscathed

by the frustrated expectations of human life, 

protected by the innocence of youth,

no longer; we continue in our naivety --

dancing, singing, laughing, loving --

we run on through the hills and valleys

the mountain's base greets us with wanton anticipation

jagged rocks and harrowing paths

hand in hand our gate slows, we tighten our grip

in perfect synchronicity

but continue

committed not knowing

the dangers the mountain has scattered amongst

the joys it promises. acme ahead we climb,

at times, i carry you, you carry me until room is found

to walk side by side once more.

thorns and snares begin

to nip at our commitment

to eat at our patience

the mountain hides the face of the sun

hands loosen. we loose grip.

we go about on our own, side by side, but alone.

we press on to the top of the mountain; the path 

narrows its invitation. one at a time,

we continue, committed not knowing suddenly

I’d find you in my arms again, carrying you, 

being carried by your love. 

the sun embraces us again with buttery afternoon

light, glowing; animating new shadows on

your changing face.

the view is impressive, not so much for what's below

but who's beside me. roughened by the journey,

you look more beautiful than ever.

tired and beautiful.

our time at the top is short lived; the sun begins to set,

and we still have to make it home. slowly we begin

your face more tired and more beautiful rests on my shoulder

you reminisce of past journeys

traveling by landscapes of an earlier journey

stories wind amongst themselves

confusing particulars

you have trouble remembering my name.

eyes full of night you begin to nod; i keep you awake

because the sun has lost it's warmth

and my strength for the journey is starting to fade with you

with home in sight the sun slips beyond the trees

and in the moonlight i see your beautiful face

tired and unwillingly at rest.

having fought sleep but slumbered nonetheless

unable to hold on;

i hold on to you

cold

crossing the threshold i lay your tired body down

putting mine next to yours, my hand in your hand

promising to seek you in my dreams, knowing the sun

will never be quite as warm 

nor will this house ever again be a home.

yes, in my dreams i will seek you

i will sojourn as a find you, knowing

one day I will find myself home again, finally,

in the warmth of the morning sun

yes, together, hand in hand 

we'll run