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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A blessing in disguise

The wisdom out of this is the beauty of discovery.
This was scary at first. Everything felt like it was all crumbling, in extreme disorder.

But I discovered. Walked with my companion around this area, previously uncharted. 
Felt like I finally got to live in the city. I walked, and I breathed, and I smiled. 
The sun and the wind was so generous, keeping me company, though felt empty.
Sure it is OK.

Two new mates share my space. Sonya shared her cooking today. Spicy, but pleasing and warm to the heart, as she was sharing her life story. I share a tiny bit of mine. A tiny bit of yours, and your Indian fascination. Clearly I want to know you more. 

They both clean! We are building a life together; separately but together. 
I will enjoy this privacy, til' I find intimacy again.

I want to introduce Sonya to DC. Perhaps we pass by. 
You can get coffee with. And I will pass by, unaware.
Your happyness with, and mine, as we set each other free.
Bless each other free.

My loss, my defeat


I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
He has won, now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We've found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I wish I can say ...


"I know there's hurt I know there's pain,
But people change lord knows I've been no saint
In my own way, regret choices I've made
How do I say I'm sorry? How do I say I'm sorry?

I was scared, I was unprepared oh, for the things you said
If I could undo that I hurt you I would do anything for us to make it through
Draw me a smile, and save me tonight
I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life
Paint me a heart let me be your art
I am a blank page waiting for life to start" ~ Blank Page, Christina Aguilera

Monday, November 12, 2012

The first night, I could not sleep

You know I'm not one to break promisesI don't want to hurt you but I need to breatheAt the end of it all, you're still my best friendBut there's something inside that I need to releaseWhich way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move onYou know we're headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love youThere's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no moreGot to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love youSo I'll be on my way
ALEX CLARE - TOO CLOSE

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dear God

Oh God how I have lost sight of your love and care
I tried so persistently to love and care for myself
Lavish myself with self-love and indulgence in pride

Oh God how I hurt the person I loved most
I demanded him to be everything I needed
I put so much pressure on his shoulders to please me

Oh God how I need to heal
I need to see your love and care that is around me, always has been
Caress me with your wisdom and warm voice

Oh God I shall find love again

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Dear W

Today is the first day that we are no longer we, attending service at All Souls.
It hurt me that I have sinned for not being humble and an equal to my partner who support him with unconditional love. It is clear that I have been ungrateful about the gift that God has given me, such big gift of love and compassion from you. I am repenting and wanting you to come back. Though, I know it is selfish. Therefore, I will let you find your true love.

It has indeed been a struggle but it was all worthwhile. Sharing my life and home with you would be unforgettable. You are my one true love. I will find another love that may or may not break my heart again. But for now, I will be waiting for you for a while because I want to learn how to desire something that is worth fighting for and not for games or experimentation and not taken for granted. I will also learn to respect myself and be OK with being alone and cherishing our love.

I just hope that you would not fear running with me even though I will not be around all year. But you know what you want and need, and I truly respect that, although with sadness and regrets.

I could have been stronger if I was listening to your guidance. I wanted to guide you too, to know more about my culture, my love for the world, and my flaws. But I was so busy running my own life and neglecting you and Gale, two loves that I had at home.

Now that you are gone, I wish you well. And church will never be the same with you holding my hand as we pray. Church would be more reflective for me as I will converse with God alone. Till I find my match who will walk with me in the Lord. Amen.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

An original poem for you...


hand in hand we run
full speed toward the rolling hills that are
dawn dabbles its quiet light on the horizon
lightening the path
unraveling mysteries
only to be understood as the sun stands its noontime post.
your hand tightens as the world
blooms before us and extends her hand in invitation.
nature's warmth enlivens your face --
your face enlivens mine
your beauty is unscathed
by the frustrated expectations of human life, 
protected by the innocence of youth,
no longer; we continue in our naivety --
dancing, singing, laughing, loving --
we run on through the hills and valleys
the mountain's base greets us with wanton anticipation
jagged rocks and harrowing paths
hand in hand our gate slows, we tighten our grip
in perfect synchronicity
but continue
committed not knowing
the dangers the mountain has scattered amongst
the joys it promises. acme ahead we climb,
at times, i carry you, you carry me until room is found
to walk side by side once more.
thorns and snares begin
to nip at our commitment
to eat at our patience
the mountain hides the face of the sun
hands loosen. we loose grip.
we go about on our own, side by side, but alone.
we press on to the top of the mountain; the path 
narrows its invitation. one at a time,
we continue, committed not knowing suddenly
I’d find you in my arms again, carrying you, 
being carried by your love. 
the sun embraces us again with buttery afternoon
light, glowing; animating new shadows on
your changing face.
the view is impressive, not so much for what's below
but who's beside me. roughened by the journey,
you look more beautiful than ever.
tired and beautiful.
our time at the top is short lived; the sun begins to set,
and we still have to make it home. slowly we begin
your face more tired and more beautiful rests on my shoulder
you reminisce of past journeys
traveling by landscapes of an earlier journey
stories wind amongst themselves
confusing particulars
you have trouble remembering my name.
eyes full of night you begin to nod; i keep you awake
because the sun has lost it's warmth
and my strength for the journey is starting to fade with you
with home in sight the sun slips beyond the trees
and in the moonlight i see your beautiful face
tired and unwillingly at rest.
having fought sleep but slumbered nonetheless
unable to hold on;
i hold on to you
cold
crossing the threshold i lay your tired body down
putting mine next to yours, my hand in your hand
promising to seek you in my dreams, knowing the sun
will never be quite as warm 
nor will this house ever again be a home.
yes, in my dreams i will seek you
i will sojourn as a find you, knowing
one day I will find myself home again, finally,
in the warmth of the morning sun
yes, together, hand in hand 
we'll run