Missing you

She smells you today.
I miss you today.

Empty words

"The funny thing about hurting people

Is they tend to hurt people

The funny thing about lies is

They're only lies

The funny thing about hearts is

They tend to break easy

The funny thing about healing is

I'm alright

Your voice was like a knife

It used to make me cry

You tried to cut my pride

Not this time

So go ahead and say the things you gotta say

You know you're only throwing empty words my way

Cause you won't break me, you won't break me

You can't take me down." ~ Empty Words, Christina Aguilera

Blank page

"I know there's hurt I know there's pain, 
But people change lord knows I've been no saint 
In my own way, regret choices I've made 
How do I say I'm sorry? How do I say I'm sorry? 

I was scared, I was unprepared oh, for the things you said 
If I could undo that I hurt you I would do anything for us to make it through 
Draw me a smile, and save me tonight 
I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life 
Paint me a heart let me be your art 
I am a blank page waiting for life to start" ~ Blank Page, Christina Aguilera

And now it begins again ...

Smile

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Mamiverse

No Difference, Not The Same

There was a boy with skin as dark as earth
And a girl with eyes as blue as the deep
And they loved each other so well
That people could not tell them apart,
For in their hearts, there was no difference between them.

StoryPeople

Don't run away

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just tell me that you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just promise me you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Will you love me?

~ "Dark Side", Kelly Clarkson

Remember

"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other." ~ Gandhi

How Little

Oh I have so little
Of things, of fame, of power
And now, of love and compassion

It does not matter
When I look around
I see things in clutter
Little, but I keep losing count

I had so much, only to lose
I was trying to hard to gain
So hard that I was always on the move
Leaving behind pain

Pain for my baby, my treasure
So much pain for my baby

It seems to matter so little
No one with, to celebrate
Of success and failure
I can only suffocate

In my own loneliness
Constructed unhappiness

Oh please Lord give me another reason
Another chance, another jewel
To desire and to treasure
Forever, and brand new everyday

Give me money or power
But it is so little
Without you, now lost and moved on
Without you, how little

And I curl up, nightly

At last, no longer

by Arthur B. Binder

Cheering each other on,

sharing recent works,

news of late accomplishments,

prospects, plans, doubts, wishes…

admiring each other’s good looks—

sharing space, watching each other eat—

little communal bits celebrating

life and hope—before one gets to be

over the hill—seeing the far sea

(not the “Pharsee” [Farsi]; nor the “Pharisee”)

The farce, see? and the FAR SEA—

And the dim sunset – greening, greeting—

when one gathers about

family and friends—when one—

tired and alone—still questioning—

gathers (all about oneself) skin and bones—

curls up somewhat like a fetus (like a farting dybbuk)—

waiting—wanting—to close one’s eyes.

More to learn, next time

If you’re depressed, you could be dragging your mate to the dumps with you. Here are 5 common symptoms that wreck relationships – and expert advice on how to get love back on track… 

1. Your sex drive tanks.
When your mood plummets, it usually takes libido with it, says Paz. 

Since sex is often the glue that bonds couples, and your guy doesn't get why you haven't been intimate lately, he may think you’re not attracted to him or don’t love him anymore.

What you can do: Explain that it really is you, not him. And that while your desire has evaporated, it’s not a reflection of your feelings for him. 

What your partner can do for you: Focus on being close without any expectations about the outcome. 

2. You squabble more.
Are you nagging more, or acting short-tempered, impatient and cynical, which leads to fights? 

“People think depression is about being tearful all the time, but it also comes out as irritability and negativity,” Bonior says. 

What you can do: Acknowledge that your mood is affecting your behavior. And give him permission to remove himself from the fight, says Bonior.

What your partner can do for you:Though it’s common for the depressed person to pick on a partner, he doesn’t have to take the bait, says Betchen.

Instead, he should look for ways to diffuse situations before they blow up. A good start, says Bonior, is saying something like: We’re fighting a lot more. Let’s try to understand what’s going on here. 

3. You’re isolating yourself. 
Depression makes you want to withdraw into your own island of despair. 

You might be ashamed you can’t pull yourself out of the funk. Or if you don’t have the energy to connect with your partner, you might drop out until you feel better.

“There’s an emotional checkout with depression,” Paz says. “You’re not present in anything but your darkness.”

What you can do: If you can’t talk face-to-face, send emails or leave notes for your partner that say I love you, Thanks for your patience, Bear with me, You’re the best. 

What your partner can do for you: Stay nearby, so you can both feel close even if you’re not interacting.

“Showing you’re supportive but not smothering is the best act of love in this tough time,” Paz says. 

4. You don’t want to go out. 
When you don’t feel like doing anything, it’s tempting to curl up on the couch and order takeout.

While that may be all you can manage, eventually even the most devoted partner will get cabin fever and resent your diminishing social life. 

“Part of depression is being turned off to things you used to be enthusiastic about,” Bonior says. Giving up hobbies and not keeping up with friendships hurts relationships. 

“To the partner, it can seem like the person they knew isn’t there anymore,” she says.

What you can do: Find an activity outside the house that brings you joy. Gardening, yoga, talking a walk, listening to music, laughing with a friend.

“That’s a lifeline. Even if it’s just an hour, it can make you feel better for that time,” Bonior says.

What your partner can do for you:Look for opportunities to take you out even for a short time. A midday movie could be a good choice. 

5. You’re letting yourself go.
Maybe you don’t notice – or care – that you haven’t changed out of your pajamas for days. 

“When you’re depressed, everything feels overwhelming," Paz says. "You feel like you can’t do all of it, so why do any of it?” 

Without understanding why you’re gaining weight, not doing your hair or putting on nice clothes, your partner could interpret your lack of effort as disinterest in the relationship.

“He wonders why she doesn’t want to look nice for him anymore,” Bonior says. 

What you can do: Instead of getting overwhelmed by the process, take baby steps.

“Go minute by minute,” Paz says. 

What your partner can do for you: Convey support, not criticism. 

A blessing in disguise

The wisdom out of this is the beauty of discovery.

This was scary at first. Everything felt like it was all crumbling, in extreme disorder.

But I discovered. Walked with my companion around this area, previously uncharted. 

Felt like I finally got to live in the city. I walked, and I breathed, and I smiled. 

The sun and the wind was so generous, keeping me company, though felt empty.

Sure it is OK.

Two new mates share my space. Sonya shared her cooking today. Spicy, but pleasing and warm to the heart, as she was sharing her life story. I share a tiny bit of mine. A tiny bit of yours, and your Indian fascination. Clearly I want to know you more. 

They both clean! We are building a life together; separately but together. 

I will enjoy this privacy, til' I find intimacy again.

I want to introduce Sonya to DC. Perhaps we pass by. 

You can get coffee with. And I will pass by, unaware.

Your happyness with, and mine, as we set each other free.

Bless each other free.

My loss, my defeat

I am done, smoking gun

We've lost it all, the love is gone

He has won, now it's no fun

We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic

And this is tragic

You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected

And somehow you left me neglected

We've found our lives been changed

Babe, you lost me

I wish I can say ...

"I know there's hurt I know there's pain,

But people change lord knows I've been no saint

In my own way, regret choices I've made

How do I say I'm sorry? How do I say I'm sorry?

I was scared, I was unprepared oh, for the things you said

If I could undo that I hurt you I would do anything for us to make it through

Draw me a smile, and save me tonight

I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life

Paint me a heart let me be your art
I am a blank page waiting for life to start" ~ Blank Page, Christina Aguilera

The first night, I could not sleep

You know I'm not one to break promisesI don't want to hurt you but I need to breatheAt the end of it all, you're still my best friendBut there's something inside that I need to releaseWhich way is right, which way is wrong
How do I say that I need to move onYou know we're headed separate ways
And it feels like I am just too close to love youThere's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more, I can't hide no moreGot to be true to myself
And it feels like I am just too close to love youSo I'll be on my way
ALEX CLARE - TOO CLOSE

Dear God

Oh God how I have lost sight of your love and care
I tried so persistently to love and care for myself
Lavish myself with self-love and indulgence in pride

Oh God how I hurt the person I loved most
I demanded him to be everything I needed
I put so much pressure on his shoulders to please me

Oh God how I need to heal
I need to see your love and care that is around me, always has been
Caress me with your wisdom and warm voice

Oh God I shall find love again

Dear W

Today is the first day that we are no longer we, attending service at All Souls.
It hurt me that I have sinned for not being humble and an equal to my partner who support him with unconditional love. It is clear that I have been ungrateful about the gift that God has given me, such big gift of love and compassion from you. I am repenting and wanting you to come back. Though, I know it is selfish. Therefore, I will let you find your true love.

It has indeed been a struggle but it was all worthwhile. Sharing my life and home with you would be unforgettable. You are my one true love. I will find another love that may or may not break my heart again. But for now, I will be waiting for you for a while because I want to learn how to desire something that is worth fighting for and not for games or experimentation and not taken for granted. I will also learn to respect myself and be OK with being alone and cherishing our love.

I just hope that you would not fear running with me even though I will not be around all year. But you know what you want and need, and I truly respect that, although with sadness and regrets.

I could have been stronger if I was listening to your guidance. I wanted to guide you too, to know more about my culture, my love for the world, and my flaws. But I was so busy running my own life and neglecting you and Gale, two loves that I had at home.

Now that you are gone, I wish you well. And church will never be the same with you holding my hand as we pray. Church would be more reflective for me as I will converse with God alone. Till I find my match who will walk with me in the Lord. Amen.

An original poem for you...

hand in hand we run

full speed toward the rolling hills that are

dawn dabbles its quiet light on the horizon

lightening the path

unraveling mysteries

only to be understood as the sun stands its noontime post.

your hand tightens as the world

blooms before us and extends her hand in invitation.

nature's warmth enlivens your face --

your face enlivens mine

your beauty is unscathed

by the frustrated expectations of human life, 

protected by the innocence of youth,

no longer; we continue in our naivety --

dancing, singing, laughing, loving --

we run on through the hills and valleys

the mountain's base greets us with wanton anticipation

jagged rocks and harrowing paths

hand in hand our gate slows, we tighten our grip

in perfect synchronicity

but continue

committed not knowing

the dangers the mountain has scattered amongst

the joys it promises. acme ahead we climb,

at times, i carry you, you carry me until room is found

to walk side by side once more.

thorns and snares begin

to nip at our commitment

to eat at our patience

the mountain hides the face of the sun

hands loosen. we loose grip.

we go about on our own, side by side, but alone.

we press on to the top of the mountain; the path 

narrows its invitation. one at a time,

we continue, committed not knowing suddenly

I’d find you in my arms again, carrying you, 

being carried by your love. 

the sun embraces us again with buttery afternoon

light, glowing; animating new shadows on

your changing face.

the view is impressive, not so much for what's below

but who's beside me. roughened by the journey,

you look more beautiful than ever.

tired and beautiful.

our time at the top is short lived; the sun begins to set,

and we still have to make it home. slowly we begin

your face more tired and more beautiful rests on my shoulder

you reminisce of past journeys

traveling by landscapes of an earlier journey

stories wind amongst themselves

confusing particulars

you have trouble remembering my name.

eyes full of night you begin to nod; i keep you awake

because the sun has lost it's warmth

and my strength for the journey is starting to fade with you

with home in sight the sun slips beyond the trees

and in the moonlight i see your beautiful face

tired and unwillingly at rest.

having fought sleep but slumbered nonetheless

unable to hold on;

i hold on to you

cold

crossing the threshold i lay your tired body down

putting mine next to yours, my hand in your hand

promising to seek you in my dreams, knowing the sun

will never be quite as warm 

nor will this house ever again be a home.

yes, in my dreams i will seek you

i will sojourn as a find you, knowing

one day I will find myself home again, finally,

in the warmth of the morning sun

yes, together, hand in hand 

we'll run

Dreaming and Facing

“Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us

…

For angels to fly

An angel will die

Covered in white

Closed eye

And hoping for a better life

This time, we'll fade out tonight

Straight down the line”

The A Team, Ed Sheeran

Hurt

Once upon a time somebody ran
Somebody ran away saying fast as I can
I've got to go, I've got to go!!!

Once upon a time we fell apart
You're holding in your hands the two halves of my heart

Once upon a time on the same side.

Once upon a time on the same side, in the same game

And why'd you have to go, have to go and throw water on my flame

I could've been a princess, you'd be a king
Could've had a castle, and worn a ring
But no, you let me go

Cause you really hurt me
No you really hurt me


~ Princess of China

Mystery

Simply mystery. Love is.

One opens up the heart
Not to be hurt, but to be handled with care
Care that comes right through another heart

A heart that opens keeps count of the good and the bad
The good persists, as love does
It fades but looms like weeds
Why kill it when it's good, when it was good?

The heart. Simply mystery.

The heart welcomes and lets go
It welcomes "fire"
But a heart desires passionate "fire", brave and bold
"Lukewarm will never do"

Simply mystery. Love is.

Love, where is your fire?
"I am holding my heart out"
Though I am confused
Enlighten me

I love you dearly
But you remain a mystery
That is beautiful as is
Made beautiful by a beautiful person

Simply mystery. What you had with.

Let me hold my heart out
For one who I challenge and make better
Who desires me in the most private thoughts
Who comes to me with a grin or a gentle smile

Simply mystery. What I desire.

Hey Jesus

Hey Jesus help me out here
I'm alone with what sure ain't clear
Cause every time I climb a mountain half the size
Than everyone else out there

And I know I'm ungrateful
I got sunshine plenty days full
But I don't mind a cloud
And a confrontation now
Just might be what I'm asking for
A silhouette from which to run
And an absence from the fun
I don't work hard enough for
But I'll be alright yeah
Maybe I'll just be a man
Or an individual
Doomed to be the lucky I am

~Tyler Hilton

A Dream, Celebrated Together

Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal

Lance Leener, 52 | Then: VP at Gloria Vanderbilt Now: Eighth-grade English and social studies teacher, Tompkins Square Middle School, New York City | When Leener was feeling discontented with the corporate world and contemplating a change, his wife reminded him how much he liked working with children. Her support, emotional and financial, helped him power through a career shift. 'Being a teacher is the hardest job on the planet. I work my ass off, I can't even tell you. I have an open-door policy with email with my students, and I interface a lot with parents, so it feels like a 24/7 job. I love it and couldn't think of doing anything differently, but it is so hard.'

So let my light shine ...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

It is frightening to be accused of inadequacy by people who refuse to offer empathy and do not hold back from expressing animosity. But liberation comes from within, the divinity inside us that helps us discern who we really are and what we deeply desire. So ...

Access

What if you cannot have emotional accessibility to the one closest to you?
What if in the most emotional point on a given day, you are denounced and rejected?
Who do you go home to?

A quote from a friend

"And I learned how much Facebook and the ability to peer into another person’s projected life in such great details could decrease one’s ability to enjoy life to the fullest. Truly was blessed with days where I could not figure out who has done what somewhere. Truly finding the courage to let it go. Slowly."

Thanks, Felicia! Nothing less than inspiring and thought-provoking.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I fear if this good thing is bound to escape me.

I am letting myself evolve everyday, thinking that I am getting better and things are looking up. That I am not giving up.

Inadequacy is a horrible emotion. We both know.
I feel inadequate when you worship your past and seek novelty.
You feel inadequate when you see your perceived failures.
I can only speak for myself, nonetheless.

I have tried to respond with compassion, calm you down, and acknowledge your thoughtfulness. Yet, the past of feeling inadequate and abandoned keeps haunting you, haunting us.

I am not sure when we can really be original or novel.
Was there inception after all? Or was I just something that came along, after the best thing happened?
I am not sure if I am the choice, not a settlement.

You are not whom I settle for.
You are my choice.
I can only speak for myself, nonetheless.

Honesty. That is what I ask of you.

A Second Chance

Soften your ego and self-love
Strengthen your character and integrity
Give patience and compassion
Think the best of those you love
Share love and forgiveness

A second chance does not come again
No second thoughts to changing and giving

Gratitude

I am grateful for faith, although I am surrounded by the inconvenient truths about people's nature, desires, and longing.
People leave their wives for freshness; a 41-year-old left his wife for an 18-year-old.
People dwell in discontentment, sitting still with images of what they could have flashing before them.
People weep for have-not's when they, themselves, sulk about what they don't yet have.

I am grateful for the traces of love given to me.
The smile that the sun shines, feels more and more fresh every morning.
The softness of my companion's.
The wisdom grasped from literature and discourse.
The trials, defeats and victories.
The opportunity of life, to live and to love.

I have faith that this is light and temporary.

Perseverance

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more
If you want me to

~ Christina Perri

Highlights

Which would be forgotten, otherwise ...

Reading Hua's Trafficking Women's Human Rights

Fighting sex trafficking in hotels, one room at a time
http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/29/travel/hotel-sex-trafficking/index.html?hpt=hp_bn7

Fight Pornography. Fight Craigslist.
Catalysts of Demand and Exploitation.

Nothing Ordinary

I gave you all the love I got
Gave you more than I could give
Gave you love

I gave you all that I had inside and you took my love
Took my love

Keep trying
Keep crying for you

I keep trying
I keep crying for you

This is no ordinary love

You brighten, sometimes
Your sweet smile, sometimes
For me? Because of me?

I keep trying
I keep crying for you
No more
I give you love

Inspired by The Civil Wars

Nostalgia

Go, leave me alone.
I will not let you any closer than you already are.

You have crushed me. Not into pieces. Into ashes this time.

Leave me. So I can leave you alone to entertain.

Ever Could, by William Fitzsimmons

You have been a stronger wind
The guiding of my right
The ever present confidant
A light in these dark eyes

I want you like no one else ever could
I want you like no one else ever could
Do you

His First Love

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Poison and Wine, by The Civil Wars

My love poem for you

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

XLIII. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

I Have Little, But I Am Rich

If I do not have eyes, I will sing my words.
If I do not have a voice, I will write to praise and protest.

If I do not have legs, I will train my arms to lift me up.
If I do not have arms, I will play soccer for a living.

If I do not have a home, I will pack light and move around.
If I do not have things, I will invite everyone I know to stay at my home.

If I do not have money, I will collect soda cans for pennies.
If I do have money, I will not buy soda.

If I do not have a lover, I will go for a romantic dinner with my friends.
If I do not have friends, I will travel the globe and find godparents in every place.

If I do not have anything, I still have love.
If I do not have love, God will love me, so I can love in return.

[And if I do not have life, Ben Breedlove tells me to have peace about dying.]