If you’re depressed, you could be dragging your mate to the dumps with you.
Here are 5 common symptoms that wreck relationships – and expert advice on how
to get love back on track…
1. Your sex drive tanks.
When your mood plummets, it usually takes libido with it, says Paz.
Since sex is often the glue that bonds couples, and your guy doesn't get why you haven't been intimate lately, he may think you’re not attracted to him or don’t love him anymore.
What you can do: Explain that it really is you, not him. And that while your desire has evaporated, it’s not a reflection of your feelings for him.
What your partner can do for you: Focus on being close without any expectations about the outcome.
When your mood plummets, it usually takes libido with it, says Paz.
Since sex is often the glue that bonds couples, and your guy doesn't get why you haven't been intimate lately, he may think you’re not attracted to him or don’t love him anymore.
What you can do: Explain that it really is you, not him. And that while your desire has evaporated, it’s not a reflection of your feelings for him.
What your partner can do for you: Focus on being close without any expectations about the outcome.
2. You squabble more.
Are you nagging more, or acting short-tempered, impatient and cynical, which leads to fights?
“People think depression is about being tearful all the time, but it also comes out as irritability and negativity,” Bonior says.
What you can do: Acknowledge that your mood is affecting your behavior. And give him permission to remove himself from the fight, says Bonior.
What your partner can do for you:Though it’s common for the depressed person to pick on a partner, he doesn’t have to take the bait, says Betchen.
Instead, he should look for ways to diffuse situations before they blow up. A good start, says Bonior, is saying something like: We’re fighting a lot more. Let’s try to understand what’s going on here.
Are you nagging more, or acting short-tempered, impatient and cynical, which leads to fights?
“People think depression is about being tearful all the time, but it also comes out as irritability and negativity,” Bonior says.
What you can do: Acknowledge that your mood is affecting your behavior. And give him permission to remove himself from the fight, says Bonior.
What your partner can do for you:Though it’s common for the depressed person to pick on a partner, he doesn’t have to take the bait, says Betchen.
Instead, he should look for ways to diffuse situations before they blow up. A good start, says Bonior, is saying something like: We’re fighting a lot more. Let’s try to understand what’s going on here.
3. You’re isolating yourself.
Depression makes you want to withdraw into your own island of despair.
You might be ashamed you can’t pull yourself out of the funk. Or if you don’t have the energy to connect with your partner, you might drop out until you feel better.
“There’s an emotional checkout with depression,” Paz says. “You’re not present in anything but your darkness.”
What you can do: If you can’t talk face-to-face, send emails or leave notes for your partner that say I love you, Thanks for your patience, Bear with me, You’re the best.
What your partner can do for you: Stay nearby, so you can both feel close even if you’re not interacting.
“Showing you’re supportive but not smothering is the best act of love in this tough time,” Paz says.
4. You don’t want to go out.
When you don’t feel like doing anything, it’s tempting to curl up on the couch and order takeout.
While that may be all you can manage, eventually even the most devoted partner will get cabin fever and resent your diminishing social life.
“Part of depression is being turned off to things you used to be enthusiastic about,” Bonior says. Giving up hobbies and not keeping up with friendships hurts relationships.
“To the partner, it can seem like the person they knew isn’t there anymore,” she says.
Depression makes you want to withdraw into your own island of despair.
You might be ashamed you can’t pull yourself out of the funk. Or if you don’t have the energy to connect with your partner, you might drop out until you feel better.
“There’s an emotional checkout with depression,” Paz says. “You’re not present in anything but your darkness.”
What you can do: If you can’t talk face-to-face, send emails or leave notes for your partner that say I love you, Thanks for your patience, Bear with me, You’re the best.
What your partner can do for you: Stay nearby, so you can both feel close even if you’re not interacting.
“Showing you’re supportive but not smothering is the best act of love in this tough time,” Paz says.
4. You don’t want to go out.
When you don’t feel like doing anything, it’s tempting to curl up on the couch and order takeout.
While that may be all you can manage, eventually even the most devoted partner will get cabin fever and resent your diminishing social life.
“Part of depression is being turned off to things you used to be enthusiastic about,” Bonior says. Giving up hobbies and not keeping up with friendships hurts relationships.
“To the partner, it can seem like the person they knew isn’t there anymore,” she says.
What you can do: Find an
activity outside the house that brings you joy. Gardening, yoga, talking a
walk, listening to music, laughing with a friend.
“That’s a lifeline. Even if it’s just an hour, it can make you feel better for that time,” Bonior says.
What your partner can do for you:Look for opportunities to take you out even for a short time. A midday movie could be a good choice.
“That’s a lifeline. Even if it’s just an hour, it can make you feel better for that time,” Bonior says.
What your partner can do for you:Look for opportunities to take you out even for a short time. A midday movie could be a good choice.
5. You’re letting yourself go.
Maybe you don’t notice – or care – that you haven’t changed out of your pajamas for days.
“When you’re depressed, everything feels overwhelming," Paz says. "You feel like you can’t do all of it, so why do any of it?”
Without understanding why you’re gaining weight, not doing your hair or putting on nice clothes, your partner could interpret your lack of effort as disinterest in the relationship.
“He wonders why she doesn’t want to look nice for him anymore,” Bonior says.
What you can do: Instead of getting overwhelmed by the process, take baby steps.
“Go minute by minute,” Paz says.
Maybe you don’t notice – or care – that you haven’t changed out of your pajamas for days.
“When you’re depressed, everything feels overwhelming," Paz says. "You feel like you can’t do all of it, so why do any of it?”
Without understanding why you’re gaining weight, not doing your hair or putting on nice clothes, your partner could interpret your lack of effort as disinterest in the relationship.
“He wonders why she doesn’t want to look nice for him anymore,” Bonior says.
What you can do: Instead of getting overwhelmed by the process, take baby steps.
“Go minute by minute,” Paz says.
What your partner can do for you: Convey
support, not criticism.
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